16
Jokes! / Boiling Point
« on: October 09, 2011, 09:10:42 AM »
What did the Egg say to the pot of boiling water?
It will take me a minute to get hard, I just got laid.
It will take me a minute to get hard, I just got laid.
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17
Jokes! / Asking for a raise
« on: September 26, 2011, 06:37:07 AM »
Employee: "Excuse me sir, may I talk to you?"
Boss: "Sure, come on in. What can I do for you?"
Employee: "Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this firm for over ten years."
Boss: "Yes."
Employee: "I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise. I currently have four companies after me and so I decided to talk to you first."
Boss: "A raise? I would love to give you a raise, but this is just not the right time."
Employee: "I understand your position, and I know that the current economic down turn has had a negative impact on sales, but you must also take into consideration my hard work, pro-activeness and loyalty to this company for over a decade."
Boss: "Taking into account these factors, and considering I don't want to start a brain drain, I'm willing to offer you a ten percent raise and an extra five days of vacation time. How does that sound?"
Employee: "Great! It's a deal! Thank you, sir!"
Boss: "Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies were after you?"
Employee: "Oh, the electric company, gas company, water company and the mortgage company!"
Boss: "Sure, come on in. What can I do for you?"
Employee: "Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this firm for over ten years."
Boss: "Yes."
Employee: "I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise. I currently have four companies after me and so I decided to talk to you first."
Boss: "A raise? I would love to give you a raise, but this is just not the right time."
Employee: "I understand your position, and I know that the current economic down turn has had a negative impact on sales, but you must also take into consideration my hard work, pro-activeness and loyalty to this company for over a decade."
Boss: "Taking into account these factors, and considering I don't want to start a brain drain, I'm willing to offer you a ten percent raise and an extra five days of vacation time. How does that sound?"
Employee: "Great! It's a deal! Thank you, sir!"
Boss: "Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies were after you?"
Employee: "Oh, the electric company, gas company, water company and the mortgage company!"
19
Jokes! / They've Thought of Everything
« on: September 13, 2011, 06:50:28 AM »
A man and his wife were driving through Arkansas on their way from New York to California. Looking at his fuel gauge, the man decided to stop and the next gasoline station and fill up.
"What can I do fer y'all?" the attendant asked.
"Fill it with supreme," the man said.
While the attendant was filling the tank, he looked the car up, down and sideways. "What kinda car is dis here?" he asked. "I never seen one like it before."
"It's a brand new Cadillac," the driver said proudly. "It has power steering, power seats, power sun roof, power mirrors, AM/FM radio with a CD player, an 8-speaker stereo, rack and pinion steering, disk brakes, leather interior, digital instruments..."
"Wow," said the attendant. "That there's the fanciest car I ever did see."
"How much do I owe you?" asked the driver when the attendant had finished.
"That'll be $30.25," he replied. The driver pulled out his money clip and peeled off a $20 and a $10. Then he went into his pocket and pulled out a handful of change. Mixed in with the change were a few golf tees.
"What're them little things there?" asked the attendant.
"That's what I put my balls on when I drive," said the man.
"Goodness," said the attendant. "Them Cadillac people think of everything."
"What can I do fer y'all?" the attendant asked.
"Fill it with supreme," the man said.
While the attendant was filling the tank, he looked the car up, down and sideways. "What kinda car is dis here?" he asked. "I never seen one like it before."
"It's a brand new Cadillac," the driver said proudly. "It has power steering, power seats, power sun roof, power mirrors, AM/FM radio with a CD player, an 8-speaker stereo, rack and pinion steering, disk brakes, leather interior, digital instruments..."
"Wow," said the attendant. "That there's the fanciest car I ever did see."
"How much do I owe you?" asked the driver when the attendant had finished.
"That'll be $30.25," he replied. The driver pulled out his money clip and peeled off a $20 and a $10. Then he went into his pocket and pulled out a handful of change. Mixed in with the change were a few golf tees.
"What're them little things there?" asked the attendant.
"That's what I put my balls on when I drive," said the man.
"Goodness," said the attendant. "Them Cadillac people think of everything."
20
Jokes! / Cough Remedy
« on: September 13, 2011, 06:50:03 AM »
The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall.
The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"
The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."
The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a bottle of laxatives!"
The clerk says, "Of course, you can! Look at him; he's afraid to cough!"
The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"
The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."
The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a bottle of laxatives!"
The clerk says, "Of course, you can! Look at him; he's afraid to cough!"
21
Jokes! / Blonde Suicide
« on: September 09, 2011, 08:49:41 AM »
A blonde hurried into the hospital emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.
"How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.
"Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.
"What?" sputtered the doctor, "You tried to commit suicide by shooting off the tip of your finger?"
"No, silly!" the blonde said. "First, I put the gun to my chest, and I thought, 'I just paid $6,000 for these; I'm not shooting myself in the chest."
"So then?" asked the doctor.
"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, 'I just paid $3,000 to get my teeth straightened; I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."
"So, then?"
"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought 'This is going to make a loud noise, so I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger."
"How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.
"Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.
"What?" sputtered the doctor, "You tried to commit suicide by shooting off the tip of your finger?"
"No, silly!" the blonde said. "First, I put the gun to my chest, and I thought, 'I just paid $6,000 for these; I'm not shooting myself in the chest."
"So then?" asked the doctor.
"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, 'I just paid $3,000 to get my teeth straightened; I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."
"So, then?"
"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought 'This is going to make a loud noise, so I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger."
24
Receipes / Pork Loin with Feta and Spinach
« on: September 05, 2011, 05:30:16 PM »
Need: One fair size pork loin, one medium to large white onion, garlic, small red or orange pepper, spinach(frozen or fresh, thawed and drained if frozen), one package of feta cheese and some lemon and herb rub plus a cup or so of chicken broth or red wine. Bakers twine.
Take a nice size pork loin and butter fly it down the middle rolling the meat out as wide as you can.
Place plastic wrap on either side of the meat and use a meat hammer to flatten it to around 1 CM-1/3 inch thick. Find a nice lemon and herb rub and rub the meat well. Wrap again and place in the fridge for a hour or for the night, the longer the better.
The next day dice one medium to large white onion, a clove or three of garlic and some red or orange pepper. Cook the onion and pepper for a few minutes until soft then add the garlic and spinach cooking till the spinach is wilted.
Remove the cooked stuff to a bowl and add the feta, mix well and allow to cool. Pre-heat oven to 350.
Take the pork onto your cutting board. Cut five decent lengths of twine large enough to circle and tie the meat if your were to roll it up like a jelly roll. Place the mixture on top of the loin and roll it like a jelly roll, tie every few inch's.
Sear the roll in a frying pan(ideal would be one that can then go in the oven) on all sides and place in oven for 45-50 mins.
When the roll is cooked through set aside in a tent allow it to set. In the frying pan deg-laze the pan using the broth or wine to make a sauce. Cut the roll and serve with veggies.
I'll post some pics over the next few days to show the process.
Enjoy,
Chef Canuker
Take a nice size pork loin and butter fly it down the middle rolling the meat out as wide as you can.
Place plastic wrap on either side of the meat and use a meat hammer to flatten it to around 1 CM-1/3 inch thick. Find a nice lemon and herb rub and rub the meat well. Wrap again and place in the fridge for a hour or for the night, the longer the better.
The next day dice one medium to large white onion, a clove or three of garlic and some red or orange pepper. Cook the onion and pepper for a few minutes until soft then add the garlic and spinach cooking till the spinach is wilted.
Remove the cooked stuff to a bowl and add the feta, mix well and allow to cool. Pre-heat oven to 350.
Take the pork onto your cutting board. Cut five decent lengths of twine large enough to circle and tie the meat if your were to roll it up like a jelly roll. Place the mixture on top of the loin and roll it like a jelly roll, tie every few inch's.
Sear the roll in a frying pan(ideal would be one that can then go in the oven) on all sides and place in oven for 45-50 mins.
When the roll is cooked through set aside in a tent allow it to set. In the frying pan deg-laze the pan using the broth or wine to make a sauce. Cut the roll and serve with veggies.
I'll post some pics over the next few days to show the process.
Enjoy,
Chef Canuker
25
Receipes / Mexican Meatloaf
« on: September 04, 2011, 07:07:39 PM »
So I tend to watch a fair amount of Food Network when I'm at work and the stock market's closed but I can't leave...hence I tend try some new stuff here and there when the host is cute and worthy of my time....
This link to a meatloaf was good but the sauce was freaking amazing. I'd note that when I cooked it I didn't crumble up the sausage as much as I should have and I'd grate the carrots next time but the sauce was just out of this world and simple to make. Anyways:
http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/marcela-valladolid/mexican-meatloaf-recipe/index.html
and a video of her cooking it
http://www.foodnetwork.com/videos/mexican-meatloaf/60554.html
This link to a meatloaf was good but the sauce was freaking amazing. I'd note that when I cooked it I didn't crumble up the sausage as much as I should have and I'd grate the carrots next time but the sauce was just out of this world and simple to make. Anyways:
http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/marcela-valladolid/mexican-meatloaf-recipe/index.html
and a video of her cooking it
http://www.foodnetwork.com/videos/mexican-meatloaf/60554.html
27
Jokes! / Friday Afternoon Bonus Jokes
« on: August 26, 2011, 12:31:21 PM »
It was mealtime during a flight on Blonde Airlines.
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
"What are my choices?" John asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.
The fourth-grade teacher had to leave the room for a few minutes. When she returned, she found the children in perfect order. Everybody was sitting absolutely quiet.
She was shocked and stunned and said, "I've never seen anything like it before. This is wonderful. But, please tell me, what came over all of you? Why are you so well behaved and quiet?"
Finally, after much urging, little Sally spoke up and said, "Well, one time you said that if you ever came back and found us quiet, you would drop dead."
One day a little girl came home from school, and said to her mother, "Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn't do."
The mother exclaimed, "But that's terrible! I'm going to have a talk with your teacher about this! By the way, what was it that you didn't do?"
The little girl replied, "My homework."
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
"What are my choices?" John asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.
The fourth-grade teacher had to leave the room for a few minutes. When she returned, she found the children in perfect order. Everybody was sitting absolutely quiet.
She was shocked and stunned and said, "I've never seen anything like it before. This is wonderful. But, please tell me, what came over all of you? Why are you so well behaved and quiet?"
Finally, after much urging, little Sally spoke up and said, "Well, one time you said that if you ever came back and found us quiet, you would drop dead."
One day a little girl came home from school, and said to her mother, "Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn't do."
The mother exclaimed, "But that's terrible! I'm going to have a talk with your teacher about this! By the way, what was it that you didn't do?"
The little girl replied, "My homework."
28
Jokes! / Beware of Parrot
« on: August 25, 2011, 11:32:49 AM »
The postman is working on a new route. He comes to a garden gate marked BEWARE OF THE PARROT!
He looks down the garden and, sure enough, there's a parrot sitting on its perch. He has a little chuckle to himself at the sign and the parrot there on its perch. He opens the gate and walks into the garden.
He gets as far as the parrot's perch, when suddenly, it calls out: "REX, ATTACK!"
He looks down the garden and, sure enough, there's a parrot sitting on its perch. He has a little chuckle to himself at the sign and the parrot there on its perch. He opens the gate and walks into the garden.
He gets as far as the parrot's perch, when suddenly, it calls out: "REX, ATTACK!"
29
Jokes! / Rather Friendly
« on: August 17, 2011, 06:13:20 AM »
In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop, a stunningly beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight black leather mini skirt with matching leather boots and jacket. As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on the bus, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the bus' first step.
So, slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
Again she tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover she still could not make the step. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more.
And for a second time she attempted the step and once again, much to her dismay, she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt. So, with a coy little smile to the driver, she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.
About this time the big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus.
The pretty young woman went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero, screeching at him, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!!!"
At this the Texan drawled, "Well ma'am, normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kind of figured that we were friends."
So, slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
Again she tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover she still could not make the step. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more.
And for a second time she attempted the step and once again, much to her dismay, she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt. So, with a coy little smile to the driver, she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.
About this time the big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus.
The pretty young woman went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero, screeching at him, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!!!"
At this the Texan drawled, "Well ma'am, normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kind of figured that we were friends."
30
A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the major status figures in Rome, Italy. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect.
At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for this dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket she was handing him to gather some snails. Very grudgingly he agreed.
He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman walking alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me." He went back to gathering the snails.
All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They got to talking, and she invited him back to her place.
They were at her apartment a ways down the beach, and they started messing around. It got so hot and heavy, that he was exhausted afterwards and passed out there.
At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no! My wife's dinner party!"
He gathered all his clothes, put them on really quickly, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door.
He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails.
There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time.
He looked at the snails on the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said, "Come on guys, we're almost there!"