ScriptUO
General => Off Topic => Topic started by: Konesky on November 03, 2008, 12:32:35 PM
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A UO friend just sent me a joke VIA ICQ... I thought I would share... If you get a decent one post it up!
A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.
She answers, 'My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun a long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2 you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"
The nun says "OK, pull into the next alley."
He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?"
"! Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party."
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The Pope and a Rabbi
Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews in Italy had to
convert to Catholicism or leave. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish
community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a debate with a religious
leader of the Jewish community.
If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy;
if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.
The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise rabbi to represent them
in the debate. However, as the rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no
Yiddish, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate.
On the chosen day the Pope and rabbi sat opposite each other.
The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.
The rabbi looked back and raised one finger.
Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.
The rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.
The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.
The rabbi pulled out an apple.
With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the
Rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy.
Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened.
The Pope said, 'First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity.
He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one
God common to both our beliefs.
'Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all
around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also
right here with us.
'I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins.
He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin.
'He bested me at every move and I could not continue.'
Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the rabbi how he'd won.
'I haven't a clue' the rabbi said. 'First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy,
so I gave him the finger.
'Then he told me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I told him
that we were staying right here.'
'And then what?' asked a woman.
'Simple," said the rabbi. 'He took out his lunch so I took out mine.'
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Same friend... another joke..
On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
The kid replies, "Yeah."
The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike."
The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.
The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."
The kid continued, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."
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heh to all! Sorry I have nun to share.
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Nearly 150 years ago, President Lincoln found it necessary to hire a private investigator - Alan Pinkerton for protection. That was the
beginning of the Secret Service.
Since that time, the federal government has produced a large number of multi-letter agencies such as FBI, CIA, INS, IRS, DEA, BATF, FPS, etc.
Now we have the "Federal Air Transportation Airport Security Service".
Can't you see them now, these 'highly trained' men and women in their black outfits with jackets saying across their backs:
F.A.T.A.S.S.
The FATASS's are of course supervised by a special section of the Homeland Security Section known as:
Airport Security Service Home Office Logistics Enhancement Section,
or the A.S.S.H.O.L.E.S.
I feel safer already.
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Good one Coyan! 8)
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A young cowboy walks into the town cafe. He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded, staring blankly at a full bowl of chili.
After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asked the old cowpoke, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?" The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, "Nah, go ahead."
Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning in it with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili. The sight was shocking and he immediately barfs up the chili into the bowl.
The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too."
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Haha, chili jokes are cool. :)
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Haha, chili jokes are cool. :)
It's like a DOUBLE chili joke.... TWICE as funny.... RE-chili... DOS Puke... mmmmm... chili puke....
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A young cowboy walks into the town cafe. He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded, staring blankly at a full bowl of chili.
After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asked the old cowpoke, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?" The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, "Nah, go ahead."
Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning in it with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili. The sight was shocking and he immediately barfs up the chili into the bowl.
The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too."
"F'n A cotton, F'n A." That is hilarious
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Eww (http://www.clipartof.com/images/emoticons/xsmall2/2202_puking.gif) (http://www.clipartof.com)
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Guarantees in Life
One day a Madam opened the brothel door and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.
"May I help you?" she asked.
"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.
"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.
"No. I must see Valerie," he replied.
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $5,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out $5000.00 and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the same man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row -- too expensive -- and there were no discounts. The price was still $5,000. Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.
After their session, Valerie questioned the man. "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.
The man replied, " South Carolina."
"Really" she said. "I have family in South Carolina."
"I know," the man said. "Your father died, and I am your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance."
The moral of the story is that three things in life are guaranteed:
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer
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Dead horse
Young Chuck moved to Montana and bought a horse from a farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day. The next Day he drove up and said, "Sorry, Son, but I have some bad news, The horse died."
Chuck replied, "Well, then just give me my money back."
The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
Chuck said, "Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse."
The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"
Chuck said, "I'm going to raffle him off."
The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead horse!"
Chuck said, "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."
A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, "What happened With that dead horse?"
Chuck said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a Piece and made a net profit of $898.00."
The farmer said, "Didn't anyone complain?"
Chuck said, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."
Chuck grew up and now works for the government.
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Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one.
Michael J. Fox has a small one.
Madonna doesn't have one.
The Pope has one but doesn't use it.
Clinton uses his all the time.
Mickey Mouse has an unusual one.
Liberace never used his on women.
Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his.
Cher claims that she took on 3.
We never saw Lucy use Desi's.
What is it?
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I fail, I Googled.
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Whats Greater Than God?
More Evil than Evil itself?
The Poor Have it.
The Rich Need it.
If You Eat it.. you will Die.
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Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one.
Michael J. Fox has a small one.
Madonna doesn't have one.
The Pope has one but doesn't use it.
Clinton uses his all the time.
Mickey Mouse has an unusual one.
Liberace never used his on women.
Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his.
Cher claims that she took on 3.
We never saw Lucy use Desi's.
What is it?
A car? ... Long shot...
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Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one.
Michael J. Fox has a small one.
Madonna doesn't have one.
The Pope has one but doesn't use it.
Clinton uses his all the time.
Mickey Mouse has an unusual one.
Liberace never used his on women.
Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his.
Cher claims that she took on 3.
We never saw Lucy use Desi's.
What is it?
A car? ... Long shot...
Nvm, i know the answer, im wrong :(
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It's all right there... the answer is staring you in the face ROFL
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Good lawyer joke Cerveza! ;D
Riddle me this Riddle me that and I'm stumped like everyone else..
I do like a good riddle.
So far I'm not doing so hot in Jokes or Movie Lines. Gawh!
But at least I don't Google. :P
Answers? Khameleon? Cerveza?
I give up too easy. You guys are too smart! Don't keep us hangin' forever.
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Okay these darn riddles really get to me and it reminded me of when I was a kid and this really great game at the time on an old commodore 64 circa 1989 that had a bunch of good riddles that I struggling with so let's see if you guys can do better than I did. Had it not been for my mom I wouldn't have solved the quests/riddles in the game. So you guys show me how smart you are and if you nail em' I'll keep em' comming. Maybe one of you played the game and remember it too....
On an off note I think UO should have more quests with riddles involved. Riddles really are alot of fun and come real easy to some people and harder to others. Anyhow here she is:
"Lighter than what I am made of, More of me is hidden than is seen.
What am I?"
No Googling TM or Cerveza will throw a "Legendary Googler" title on you! :P
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lol thanks for the laughs =) great jokes.
as for the riddle.. took me awhile to figure it out--but I guess I'm as dirty minded as everyone else =P
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No Googling TM or Cerveza will throw a "Legendary Googler" title on you! :P
That's "Google Slut!" Just ask poor Cstalker!
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I got both of the first riddles, But not the last one yet....
But here is one for you all....
Every dawn begins with me,
At dusk I'll be the first you see,
And daybreak couldn't come without
What midday centers all about.
Daises grow from me, I'm told
And when I come, I end all cold,
But in the sun I won't be found,
Yet still, each day I'll be around.
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At first i was thinking water, but im guessing its the moon?
Ah bummer, i just reread it, my answer doesnt make sense... ???
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You need to find some that everything it talks about has in common.. and then you will get it right... :)
Its not the Moon, or Water...
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No Googling TM or Cerveza will throw a "Legendary Googler" title on you! :P
That's "Google Slut!" Just ask poor Cstalker!
TRUE. I KNOW THEM ALL :)
Four legs have I, a sturdy fellow
A fuzzy back that isn't yellow
But (often) green or (rarely) red
A den is where I make my bed
My keepers feed me coloured balls
With sticks they store on my den walls
Sometimes I store them in my pouch
Sometimes deep in my belly; ouch!
That's when you'll see me acting strange
Instead of balls, I'll eat your change
And that's my cue to feed again
Chalk it up to hunger, friend!
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Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one.
Michael J. Fox has a small one.
Madonna doesn't have one.
The Pope has one but doesn't use it.
Clinton uses his all the time.
Mickey Mouse has an unusual one.
Liberace never used his on women.
Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his.
Cher claims that she took on 3.
We never saw Lucy use Desi's.
What is it?
I'm taking 10 minute break from UO bored and sitting here with my girlfriend throwing some of these jokes and riddles at her and she says it's a nose.
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I got both of the first riddles, But not the last one yet....
But here is one for you all....
Every dawn begins with me,
At dusk I'll be the first you see,
And daybreak couldn't come without
What midday centers all about.
Daises grow from me, I'm told
And when I come, I end all cold,
But in the sun I won't be found,
Yet still, each day I'll be around.
A Shadow!?
"Lighter than what I am made of, More of me is hidden than is seen.
What am I?" An Iceberg
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Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one.
Michael J. Fox has a small one.
Madonna doesn't have one.
The Pope has one but doesn't use it.
Clinton uses his all the time.
Mickey Mouse has an unusual one.
Liberace never used his on women.
Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his.
Cher claims that she took on 3.
We never saw Lucy use Desi's.
What is it?
I'm taking 10 minute break from UO bored and sitting here with my girlfriend throwing some of these jokes and riddles at her and she says it's a nose.
Nope
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Four legs have I, a sturdy fellow
A fuzzy back that isn't yellow
But (often) green or (rarely) red
A den is where I make my bed
My keepers feed me coloured balls
With sticks they store on my den walls
Sometimes I store them in my pouch
Sometimes deep in my belly; ouch!
That's when you'll see me acting strange
Instead of balls, I'll eat your change
And that's my cue to feed again
Chalk it up to hunger, friend!
Pool Table
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"Lighter than what I am made of, More of me is hidden than is seen.
What am I?" An Iceberg
hehe.... Missed that one by a mile I did...:)
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Every dawn begins with me,
At dusk I'll be the first you see,
And daybreak couldn't come without
What midday centers all about.
Daises grow from me, I'm told
And when I come, I end all cold,
But in the sun I won't be found,
Yet still, each day I'll be around.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
The Letter "D"
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Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one.
Michael J. Fox has a small one.
Madonna doesn't have one.
The Pope has one but doesn't use it.
Clinton uses his all the time.
Mickey Mouse has an unusual one.
Liberace never used his on women.
Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his.
Cher claims that she took on 3.
We never saw Lucy use Desi's.
What is it?
Because this post needs a bump, and nobody answered it....
Last Name.
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Whats Greater Than God?
More Evil than Evil itself?
The Poor Have it.
The Rich Need it.
If You Eat it.. you will Die.
um.. Nothing.
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HIS AND HER DIARIES
HER DIARY
Tonight I thought he was acting weird.
We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink.
I was shopping with my friends all day long,
so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late,
but he made no comment.
Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so
we could talk.
He agreed but he kept quiet and absent.
I asked him what was wrong; he said nothing.
I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.
He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.
On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving.
I can't explain his behavior.
I don't know why he didn't say 'I love you' too.
When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to
do with me anymore.
He just sat there and watched TV. He seemed distant and absent.
Finally, I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed,
and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love,
but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else.
He fell asleep - I cried.
I don't know what to do.
I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.
My life is a disaster.
HIS DIARY
I shot the worst round of golf in my life today, but at least I got laid.
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Whats Greater Than God?
More Evil than Evil itself?
The Poor Have it.
The Rich Need it.
If You Eat it.. you will Die.
um.. Nothing.
Booooo! Then we didn't need to answer it hence it's not a riddle. :P