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Topics - Canuker

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31
Jokes! / Click!
« on: August 11, 2011, 06:23:55 AM »
A group of young children were sitting in a circle with their teacher. She was going around in turn asking them all questions.

"Davy, what noise does a cow make?"

"It goes moo."

"Alice, what noise does a cat make?"

"It goes meow."

"Jamie, what sound does a lamb make?"

"It goes baaa."

"Jennifer, what sound does a mouse make?"

"Errr.., it goes.. click!"

32
Jokes! / This Generation Versus Last
« on: August 10, 2011, 12:04:16 PM »
A very self-important college freshman attending a recent football game took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation.

"You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one," the student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear. "The young people of today are much more advanced than people your age. We grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man walking on the moon and the internet. We have cell phones, nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers, automated manufacturing, amazing technologies, and...," pausing to take another drink of beer.

The senior took advantage of the break in the student's litany and said, "You're right, son. We didn't have those things when we were young... so we invented them. Now, you arrogant little s**t, what are YOU doing for the next generation?"

33
Jokes! / Lawyer in the Family
« on: August 09, 2011, 12:31:27 PM »
For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!

"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!"

"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."

34
Jokes! / Proud of their sons
« on: August 08, 2011, 08:04:54 AM »
Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room. Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."

The second guy said, "Damn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday."

The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: a 30,000 square foot mansion."

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked, "What are all the congratulations for?"

One of the three said, "We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. What about your son?"

The fourth man replied, "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub."

The three friends said, "What a shame...what a disappointment."

The fourth man replied, "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he's lucky, too. His birthday just passed and the other day he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends."

35
Jokes! / First Day Driving a Cab
« on: August 03, 2011, 07:45:16 AM »
The passenger tapped the cab driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the sidewalk, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mister, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"

The passenger apologized and said he didn't realize that a little tap could scare him so much.

The driver replied, "You're right. I'm sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years".


36
Jokes! / Calling Home
« on: July 28, 2011, 08:23:13 AM »
A woman suspects her husband is cheating on her. One day she calls home and a strange woman answers.

Wife: Who is this?

Maid: This is the maid.

Wife: We don't have a maid.

Maid: I was hired this morning by the man of the house.

Wife: Well, this is his wife. Is he there?

Maid: He's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I assumed was his wife.

The wife is fuming. She says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?"

Maid: What will I have to do.

Wife: I want you to take my gun from the desk and shoot him and the woman he's with.

The maid puts the phone down. The wife hears footsteps and the gunshots, then more footsteps.

Maid: What do I do with the bodies?

Wife: Just drag them out and throw them in the swimming pool.

Maid: But there's no pool here.

(A long pause)
Wife: Is this 832-4821?

37
Jokes! / Words of Encouragement
« on: July 27, 2011, 07:23:29 AM »
A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full length mirror taking a hard look at herself.

"You know," she says, "I look in the mirror and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs are barely above my waist, my butt is hanging out a mile. I've got fat legs and my arms are all flabby".

She turns to her husband and says, "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself".

He thinks about it for a bit and then says, "Well... there's nothing wrong with your eyesight".

38
Jokes! / Smart Guy
« on: July 26, 2011, 10:48:55 AM »
A customer at Green's Gourmet Grocery marveled at the proprietor's quick wit and intelligence.

"Tell me, Green, what makes you so smart?"

"I wouldn't share my secret with just anyone," Green replies, lowering his voice so the other shoppers won't hear. "But since you're a good and faithful customer, I'll let you in on it. Fish heads. You eat enough of them, you'll be positively brilliant."

"You sell them here?" the customer asks.

"Only $4 each," says Green.

The customer buys three. A week later, he's back in the store complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and he isn't any smarter.

"You didn't eat enough," says Green. The customer goes home with 20 more fish heads. Two weeks later, he's back and this time he's really angry.

"Hey, Green," he says, "You're selling me fish heads for $4 apiece when I can buy the whole fish for $2. You're ripping me off!"

"You see?" says Green. "You're smarter already."

39
Jokes! / Negative Hairdresser
« on: July 25, 2011, 05:53:12 AM »
A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly, and they're overpriced. So, whatcha' doing when you get there?"

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people are trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome. "It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand, I knelt down, and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really! What did he say?"

"He said: 'Where did you get the shitty hairdo?'"

40
Jokes! / Sawmill Accident
« on: July 21, 2011, 06:00:16 AM »
Bill and Tom both work at the local sawmill.


One day, Bill slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw. Tom quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Bill to the local hospital.

Next day, Tom goes to the hospital and asks after Bill. The nurse says, "Oh he's out in Rehab exercising".

Tom couldn't believe it, but here's Bill out the back exercising his now reattached arm. The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill.

Couple of days go by, and then Bill slips and severs his leg on another bloody big saw thing. So Tom puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Bill off to hospital.

Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is.

The nurse replies, "He's out in the Rehab again exercising."

And sure enough, here's Bill out there doing some serious work on the treadmill. And Bill comes back to work.

But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head. Wearily Tom puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Bill to hospital.

Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Bill is. The nurse breaks down and cries and says, "He's dead."

Tom is shocked, but not surprised. "I suppose the saw finally did him in."

"No," says the nurse, "Some dopey bastard put his head in a plastic bag
and he suffocated."

41
Jokes! / Fancy Supermarket
« on: July 20, 2011, 09:35:32 AM »
The new supermarket near my house has an automatic water mister to keep produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and breathe in the aroma of chocolate milk.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The veggie department features the sound of a gentle breeze and the smell of fresh buttered corn.

I don't buy toilet paper there any more.

 ;)

42
Jokes! / Picking Sheep
« on: July 19, 2011, 06:47:54 AM »
Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde jokes that she had her hair cut and dyed brown.

A few days later, as she was out driving around the countryside, she stopped her car to let a flock of sheep pass. Admiring the cute wooly creatures, she said to the shepherd, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one?" The shepherd, always the gentleman, said, "Sure!"

The blonde thought for a moment and, for no discernible reason, said, "352." This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandably, totally amazed, and exclaimed, "You're right! OK, I'll keep to my end of the deal. Take your pick of my flock."

The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally picked the one that was by far cuter and more playful than any of the others.

When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said, "OK, now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess your true hair color, can I have my dog back?"

43
Off Topic / Make up a posting
« on: July 18, 2011, 05:31:52 PM »
https://cheaterville.com/

I, Jen Italia, just added Hugh Weiner to this site.  Dunno if it will load but will make for some good lulz.  


Hugh met me on the internet. He said he was married with 8 kids but wanted to leave for something better. He acted like a father to my 4 children even though I am not sure who is any of their real fathers are. I was in a rough spot for a number of years and Hugh said he could help, he did not. Hugh gave me the clap, twice!! He wanted me to join in 5 ways with transvestite Lithuania immigrants, I couldn't say no as he said this would prove my love. I was made to do things no normal woman would do but Hugh said it made me special. Watch out for Hugh Weiner, he is not to be trusted.

44
Jokes! / Strange Englishmen
« on: July 18, 2011, 05:59:04 AM »
A bright young Scottish lad named Shamus had the opportunity to go to university in London. So he packed his bags and said good-bye to his mother and left the highlands for the big city.

After the first week his mother called to see how her boy was holding up.

"I love it here Mother," Shamus told her, "but these English students are the oddest people ever! The boy who lives in the dormitory room next to me bangs his head against the wall until midnight every night. And the boy in the room above me stomps around until midnight every night. And the boy right below me blasts his stereo until midnight every night."

"Why don't you complain to the Dean of students?" asks his mother.

"Well, it doesn't bother me much," answers Shamus. "I'm usually up until that time quietly practicing my bagpipes anyway."

45
UO Reference Information / Average champ spawn resist, plus other creatures.
« on: June 27, 2011, 08:25:05 PM »
I posted this on Stratics a while back and see that there is some people looking for it here so......


Rikki   spawn   Neira   spawn   Semidar   spawn   Mephitis   spawn   Corgul   Navery
85   45             28   43.75           74        55.25        78           51.25           92           55
85   40             40   27.5             70        52.5           65           30               86           45
35   36.6           55   56.25           65        22.5           65           32.5             94           65
85   53.5           35   46.25           68        35          100           85               80           100
85   35.8           25   37.75           69        37.5           65           37.5             81           70


Feel free to add to this if you hunt other stuff but this is all I farm.  Not included is a coon but only cause it is just plain easy.

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